Monday, January 21, 2008

Just for someethning a little different-How to share a bed

Okay. You’re writing a novel and at least two of your characters are in bed. The sex is great but beds have not always been just a playground.

When you were growing up, at some time didn’t you share a bed with a sister? A cousin? A friend on a sleepover? And now do you share one with your husband? Partner? Lover? Significant other? But…and here’s the big question…did anyone every teach you how to share a bed?

The biggest source of tension is the comforter or coverlet. Do you wake up in the middle of the night, shivering because all the covers are covering that person? The dirty rotten cover thief? Grabbing it away from you and leaving you cold and shivering? Now here comes the old “I didn’t know what I was doing.” Yeah, right.

Then there’s the person who thinks a bed is not just for sleeping, and sex isn’t the alternative. The bed becomes an extension of your living room. It’s for reading, watching television, eating snacks that crunch and leave crumbs, organizing a DVD or CD collection, practicing karaoke. And of course, all of this with the lights on…while you’re trying to sleep. You could always yank the covers and toss everything to the floor. On the other hand, if you’re the one who’s doing it, get serious and get to the dining room table.

Next up, maybe the lights are off and you’re about to fall asleep, when a sound that reminds you of an earthquake or the abominable snowman shakes you out of your clumber. Is this a national emergency? No, just your partner’s snoring. But it shakes the fillings in your teeth and aggravates your arthritis. Oh, wait. Are you the one who snores?

And then of course there’s the partner who gets up two hours before the other one, flips on the radio and the lights, and sings along while getting dressed. Get out the shotgun, baby.

So, what can you do about all this? Here are some rules you both need to follow, no matter if you’re the offender or offended.

When you lose the covers, yank them back and weight them on your side with a cement block. If your sleeping companion tries to pull them back, a good poke in the ribs usually works. On the other hand, if you ‘re the one hogging the covers, be sure to hold on good and tight.
Set up rules for the bed you both follow: living room work in the living room, sex and sleeping in the bedroom, with a little television thrown in. And lights out at a certain time. If you can’t fall asleep, or he or she can’t, lie in the dark and let your mind produce some creative, sleep-inducing activities.
For the snorers, a loud noise that wakes them often helps. Of course, for those who deny they snore, a video of the noise in progress always helps. But a loud noise, waking them up often enough, might just do the trick. If not, try the drug store. There are some great medications out that might not help the snorer but will knock you out for the night.
And finally, let sleeping dogs lie! If one person is asleep, don’t wake them intentionally unless you just won the Powerball Lottery. Time enough for friskiness when you’re both awake. If your bedmate is the one who insists on lights on until all hours, wait until he or she falls asleep, then wake them and shine a powerful flashlight in their eyes. A few nights of that and they’ll be more than happy to lie in the dark. On the other hand, if it’s you, go to the kitchen, eat your crunchy snack there, make yourself a cup of tea, and remind yourself that the person you love is hidden under all these things and that’s what’s important.


Estella said...

How funny! I have the cover situation at my house. Have yet to find a solution.

N.J.Walters said...

LOL Great post!

So far, I've been lucky. No snoring, no watching television in bed, and no hogging the covers. *g* No wonder we're still happily married. LOL

TJ Michaels said...

Er, what if you're the one doing the snoring? ROFL!