All I Want for Christmas...

...is the Toshiba Portégé R500 notebook.

Just joking!

Well, not really. I do want one of those notebooks. C'mon, people. It's a 12.1" notebook that's an inch thick and weighs only 2.2 lbs! My current one is the same dimensions, but it's closer to 4 lbs. And the R500 has an LED screen! *sigh* The geek in me so wants to upgrade.

Moving onto the real list now...

To These 13 Authors: Please Come Back...I'll Buy Your Romance Books A list compiled by Ann Bruce Laura Kinsale. It's over three years since the last release...can I expect something in 2008? Suzanne Robinson. No one does Elizabethan historicals like she did. Meagan McKinney. Michelle Martin. Theresa Weir. Jan Freed. Karyn Monk. Unfortunately, her website says she's busy with her young children. Who knows when she'll turn on her computer again? Iris Johansen. Her thrillers just aren't nearly as satisfying (in fact, some are downright awful) as her romances, both category and historical. Julie Garwood. She's going back to historicals in 2008. There is a God! Tami Hoag. I love the mainstream thrillers, but I loved the romantic suspense so much, much more. Teresa Medeiros. After two paranormals, it's time to go back to straight historicals. PLEASE. Linda Francis Lee. Why, oh, why did she have to go to chick lit? Christina Skye. Hasn't the Navy Seals series dragged on long enough?

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Thirteen Random Birthday Thoughts About Writing...

…and life in general. It’s my birthday. I’m allowed! :)

1. There’s no great mystery to being a writer. A writer applies the seat of her pants to the seat of her chair, and writes.

2. First drafts are not the time to be careful. First drafts are designed to let you glop it all out, get the voices out of your head, unleash whatever beast that’s hounding you to get the story down on paper. It’s meant to be messy. Roll in it! Get your hands dirty!

3. Write every day. Even if all you can write is “I don’t know what to write,” do it. Over and over again. Fill pages with it. Eventually your brain will get bored and want to write something else.

4. Waiting for your muse to inspire you, IMHO, is just nuts. You want to be a writer? Siddown and get started. Your muse will just have to eat dust until it catches up with you.

5. Read. Widely and often. Never stop learning.

6. Observe.

7. Listen.

8. Don’t be afraid to try out any story idea. 100 pages that don’t pan out are still 100 pages of learning experience you never would have had if you hadn’t tried.

8a. Don’t be afraid. Period. I mean it. Just stop it right now. :)

9. All reviews are good. Really. So what if a reviewer hated your book. Did they spell your name right? Then it’s a good review.

10. On the other hand, learn to put aside your emotional attachment to your manuscript, and listen to constructive criticism. Your editor is on your side!

11. You’ll never make story perfect. There will always be a typo, a flaw, something accidentally left hanging. It’s possible to revise the life out of a story. Learn to let it go. (This is one I’m still working on—note the claw marks on my manuscripts where my editor had to tear them out of my hands!)

12. You will never please everyone. Write for yourself first, the markets second. Make the market follow YOU.

13. Learn to love your Shadow Self. She is the part of you that makes you—and your stories—fully human.

~Carolan
www.carolanivey.com
Now available: Wildish Things

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13 Pet Peeves of a Cranky Bibliophile and 1 Contest

13 Pet Peeves of a Cranky Bibliophile
Compiled by Ann Bruce

I'm about to break one of the cardinal rules of authors and blogging: Do not bash other authors' books. Generally, authors who do this come across as bitter and envious. Or so that's what I assume. And you always have the other authors' rabid fan girls come out and call you names and challenge you to write something better.

First and foremost, I'm a reader and an avid one at that. I read about five to ten books at a time and I finish about three a week. More if they're comic books. When I buy a book, I think of it as a tacit agreement between myself and the author that he or she has put in a great deal of effort to spin a tale to entertain me.

There's no guarantee that I'll enjoy the book, but that's a risk I'm willing to take. That being said, if a book comes across as being written by someone who couldn't be bothered to put in a decent effort, then the agreement is in breach and I get ticked off.

Unfortunately,in the last few weeks, I came across a bad batch of books. Many of them ended up flying across the room and slamming into a much-abused wall. A couple even went back to the bookstore because I wanted my money back for time I'll never be able to recoup.

So, what drove me to violate an author's cardinal rule? Oh, so many things...

The Cranky Canadian

1. Not everyone from Canada says "a boot"; the majority of us say "about." That's the equivalent of a non-American assuming all Americans say "y'all."

"A boot" is pretty much confined to a tiny part of Eastern Canada. So, if your hero is from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, which is in Western Canada, he will not speak with an accent and say "a boot." In fact, he'll sound more like a New Yorker because he probably watched too much Seinfeld.


2. Canadians do not say "ice hockey." There is no such thing as "ice hockey" for us. It is simply "hockey." It is the NHL, not the NIHL. An NHL player will not say "ice hockey," especially if he's a Canadian from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.



The Cranky Francophone

3. Accents in written French are NOT optional. "Bien sûr" means "of course." "Bien sur" is literally "good on" and that's gibberish. Anyone with a passing knowledge of French reading "Chere, desolee. Entrez, s'il vous plait" will find it as painful as an Anglophone reading "Its okay. It wouldve been easier if itd been hers."


4. French nouns have gender. If your hero says to the heroine, "Cher, merci bien," I'm going to think your heroine is actually a man and maybe had a sex change. Really, I will and I will laugh.


5. The free translation services offered in the Internet are not perfect, so please do not rely on them. For instance, "Look at me" should be "regardez-moi" or "regardes-moi," not "me regardes." The latter is very awkward and wouldn't be used.



The Cranky Martial Artist

6. Kick-ass heroes and heroines are not so kick-ass when they mix up martial arts styles.

You cannot practice kung-fu moves with a katana. Kung-fu is Chinese and a katana is a Japanese sword.

You would not address your kung-fu instructor as "sensai," but as "sifu." Once again, kung-fu and "sifu" are Chinese and "sensai" is Japanese.

You cannot be a second degree black belt in a Korean karate. Karate is Japanese. Korean martial arts include tae kwon do, hap ki do, etc.


7. You will not become a martial arts master in one season, despite what you saw in The Last Samurai.



The Cranky Geek

8. Anachronisms. *sigh* I'm not a stickler for historical accuracy, but if your Regency heroine travels to Paris to see the Eiffel Tower…well, I know you and your editor both need a refresher junior high history lesson.


9. If your villain keeps his password right next to the computer and stores all his incriminating files in a folder called "Laundering" or "Private," he is so not a criminal mastermind.

To access my computer, you must have the hard drive password. Without it, you cannot even get to the initial login screen and the hard drive will lock after too many failed attempts, at which point only the manufacturer will be able to unlock it. After you get past the hard drive password, you need a login ID and password. And after that, you will have to navigate through my folder system, which I named using the names of Greek and Roman deities. Good luck trying to find my bank account spreadsheets. If you persevered to this point and have found the file, you need a password to open it.

Really, so if I'm just the average computer user, imagine what a real criminal mastermind's security system is like.


10. When your computer system is being attacked, don't stand there and watch a pretty visual representation of it on a really big screen. Go pull your network cable or your power cord. Really, it is that simple. And no, your servers won't explode and you won't lose data.


11. 128-bit encryption is not double the encryption of 64-bit.


12. RAM is not where your save all your files and it does not crash. That's your hard disk drive.


13. Black is not all colours combined. White is. A rainbow is light that has been refracted, usually by water, which is why rainbows normally appear when it rains. Black is the absence of colour.

Every item on the list could've been avoided with research that involves more than just watching the telly (sorry, I spent some time living in Europe and haven't gotten either "dodgy" or "telly" out of my vocabulary, yet). The Internet is an author's best friend. Please use it because if you can't be bothered to do the basic research, I can't be bothered to buy your books.

Now, if anyone feels like flaming me, go right ahead. I'm wearing my big girl pants; I can take it.

If you read something I wrote and it's completely wrong, feel free to email me. I'll be the first to admit I'm far from perfect.

The Contest!

So, what ruins your reading experience?

One cranky commenter will win a print copy of Fall Dead. Winner will be announced Monday, September 17, 2007.

---

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

1. Shofar, So Good


2. Alasandra


3. No-Nonsense girl


4. Buck Naked Politics


5. Working At Home Mom


6. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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Thirteen Reasons for the Attraction between Tall Men and Short Petite Women

Thirteen Reasons for the Attraction between Tall Men and Short Petite Women unscientifically compiled by Ann Bruce Since high school, every guy I dated is six feet and over. The tallest is six-four. I'm five-foot-nothing. It was an interesting eleven months with six-four. Anyway, I noticed that a lot of short (actually, we prefer the term “petite”) women date tall men. Now, is this because the average height of North American men increased? Or is it more psychological? Well, after a few glasses of wine, my significant other, who's six-two (he's says I left out a half inch, but I think he made it up) and will henceforth be referred to as “the SO,” and I got on this topic and came up with the following thirteen reasons why we're together. 1. Kitchen counters are not made for tall people. The SO says that it hurts his back to bend over the counter to prepare food. That's where I come in handy. Or so he claims. With the SO around, I no longer require a step stool because he can reach everything in the top cabinets and the top of my bookshelves with a Swiffer. He's also useful in that regard in grocery stores. When *ahem* I have overindulged, he can easily carry me home. Or at least to his car. Or piggyback me, as has happened on one occasion. I've always wanted to be four inches taller (without the aid of high heels) and he's always wanted to be three inches shorter. We figure any future offspring from our combined DNA will be the ideal height. When we fly together, even the seats in economy class are quite roomy for me (my feet don't touch the floor when I'm sitting unless I point my toes). The SO is not so fortunate. Luckily for him, I allow him to stow his carryon underneath the seat in front of me so he can stretch out those long legs underneath the seat in front of him. He travels light; I don't understand the concept. Good thing he’s okay with lugging my suitcases around as well as his. I remember going to shopping malls and grocery stores with my parents when I was younger. I inevitably got separated from them. My parents are short people and, thus, are hard to find in a crowd. I don't have the same problem with the SO. I occasionally get hit on by other guys when we socialize. I discourage wannabe-Lotharios by pointing out the SO, who looks suitably intimidating without having to try too hard. When I get hit on by women, however, the SO's not as helpful. When will he ever understand that I've been there, done that, and I’m never drinking that much again? When I get cold and there's not a jacket or blanket handy, I use him as my portable heater. He holds me and, not only does his body heat keep me warm, his tall frame blocks any wind coming my way. With him, I don’t have to push my way through a crowd. He can cut a path through a crowd better than I ever will. It's like the parting of the Red Sea. We are an endless source of amusement for our friends. One saw us standing together one day and commented that I didn't need to bend down very far if the SO and I ever get bored and need a...distraction. The SO was amused; me, not so much. There are couples who share clothes and think it’s cute when it’s actually kind of creepy because they end up looking like siblings. The SO and I will never enter that murky territory because he can’t even get one of my T-shirts over his head and I swim in his. And, well, there's oh-so-obvious benefit of tall men dating petite women, but there's no need for me to spell it out. Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. An Island Life

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Thursday Thirteen - GRUMP!

Thirteen Things I'd Rather Be Doing by Author, TJ Michaels You know, I think I'm in the grumpiest mood I've been in for a long time. Bottom line is I haven't had any time off from the day job since February while other folks in the office are taking weeks at a time. Why? I'm actually not sure. So, I'm tired, physically and mentally tired. Sitting at my desk with vertigo, feeling like I've got the blow chunks is most unpleasant. However, it did get me to thinking of other things I'd rather be doing. Of course writing is at the top of the list, but that's a given. So here are a few other things I'd like to be doing right now: 1. Looking out over the Grand Canyon (minus the heat, of course ;D) 2. Napping curled up with a teddy bear 3. Winning the lottery! 4. Playing golf (and doing it rather badly) 5. Packing for a trip to Seattle 6. Interviewing for another job 7. Better yet, accepting an offer for another job! 8. Kissing a hunky guy that's actually MINE 9. Enjoying my daughter's cinnamon rolls with my feet kicked up 10. Enjoying my daughter's iced green tea with ginger drink (feet still kicked up) 11. Playing WarCraft III with my son 12. Working on a new book with my writing partner, Grey Sinclaire 13. Relaxing while reading a book by any of the Ladies

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Cowboys and Firefighters and Mini-donuts... Oh, my!

Every year in July, my beloved city of Calgary, Alberta, Canada demonstrates why it’s nicknamed “Cowtown.” (My buddies in Houston like to call Calgary “Little Houston,” but I don’t think we’re at that level.) The Calgary Stampede bills itself as “The Greatest Outdoor Show on Earth” and is ten days of the world’s largest outdoor rodeo competition, midway rides, stage shows, concerts, agricultural competitions, chuck wagon races, First Nations exhibitions, and FREE pancake breakfasts around the city. Last year, 1.2 million people attended the Calgary Stampede, which is pretty impressive since Calgary’s population is just shy of 1 million. I have a love/hate relationship with the Calgary Stampede. On the one hand, work grinds to a halt because everyone’s out Stampeding…on company time, no less. On the other hand, out come the Western shirts, Wranglers, cowboy boots, 10-gallon hats, and belt buckles that can deflect bullets. Really, I kid you not. And not to mention the fringe. Fringe, fringe, fringe…everywhere fringe! Ugh! So, the thirteen reasons for my love/hate relationship: Cowboys. Long, lean, and they work with their hands. *sigh* Hy’s Steakhouse hosts a barbeque lunch with AAA beef tenderloin as the feature to benefit the Calgary Firefighters Burn Treatment Centre. Naturally, a fire truck loaded with firefighters, some of whom pose for the Hotstuff calendar, drops by the event. Yeah, I occasionally drool. Jeans at work. Actually, it’s supposed to be Western wear, but I loosely translate that into blue jeans all week. Oh, the money I save on dry cleaning. Mini-donuts. They’re small, they’re deep-fried right in front of your eyes, they’re sugar-powdered, and there’s a reason why 2 million mini-donuts are consumed every Stampede. Deep-fried sweet potato fries. Better than regular fries. I guarantee it. Fazackerley’s Fudge & Candy Inc. The first time I saw this, I thought I’d died and gone to heaven. Free food! For the entire ten days, there are free pancake (and bacon and eggs and sausage) breakfasts throughout the city. No brown bagging for this gal during Stampede. Vendor lunches. Open bar, ribs, wings, corn on the cob, steak. I have at least two of these every Stampede. With all this food, I say to hell with the exercise regime because it’s only for ten days out of the year. Thus, by the end of Stampede, I have to wear dresses because the jeans can no longer button up. The bands: Finger Eleven, Three Days Grace, Jann Arden, Keisha Chanté, Hinder, Good Charlotte, Live, Sloan, Tom Cochrane with Red Rider, Blue October. And it’s all FREE with admission to the fair grounds. I get an extra day off in July because of the Stampede Parade. (Not that I go and watch it, but I do enjoy that extra day to sleep in.) And most bosses will look the other way if your lunch stretches into two, three, sometimes four hours…if you come back at all. Fireworks. Every night. Who doesn’t love fireworks? The MBAs come out in droves during Stampede because the unofficial motto is “Drink triple, see double, think single.” Another Trivia Contest! The trivia question for this post: According to my usage, what does MBA stand for? I'll pull a name from all the correct entries and send a prize package consisting of a print copy of my current release, bookmarks, and an Ellora's Cave RT cowboy card deck. Once again, you can post the answer in the Comments section or email me directly. Good luck! The winner will be announced at my next regularly scheduled blog day, Thursday, August 9, 2007. Regards, Ann Bruce

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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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