Sunday, August 26, 2007

No pain...no gain...


Now, for anyone who really knows me, my purpose in life is to become one with the couch. I'm all about sprawling in a chair, or on the bed - until I literally need to be dusted. I'm also at my computer for ten to twelve hours a day - yet another position that doesn't allow much physical activity.
So one day this spring, I decided it was past time to do something to get my butt moving so I bought a membership to the local recreation center. It's very swanky with a rubberized walking track (great for my bum knee) two large swimming pools, basketball court and a state of the art fitness room.
The reason I purchased said membership is because I do own an exercise bicycle, but I can't find it under all of the laundry.
Hey, it has to go SOMEWHERE and dumping on the floor is SO last year!
I love the pool. I must have been a mermaid in a previous life as I can barely be pried out of the water so I use the membership for the pool. I'd taken some water aerobics classes and now that I know the moves, I just do them on my own at my own speed and when time permits.
Of course, time rarely permits.
It's been at least two weeks since I hit the pool, bad, bad JC, so I woke up early, forced my fat ass out of bed and into the bathing suit.
First off, I really don't think any woman should have to deal with that much lycra first thing in the morning. It really is a horrifying experience when you're half asleep and you're trying to force your flab into a bathing suit AND get it arranged so that you look vaguely symetrical...you don't want your arm flab to suddenly pop out where your breast should be.
I mean, come on - lives are at stake people!
Secondly - I don't know about anyone else but I usually feel a little bloated in the morning. I'm dehydrated from sleeping and then the body hangs onto every drop of water it can so when you are squeezing your butt into the dreaded bathing suit, it is magnified by knowing you're hanging onto an extra few pounds.
Let's face it - bathing suits are just ugly business.
So I'm in my old-lady black and white bathing suit and I grab the gym bag and headed out the door. It's about a quarter after seven which is the middle of the night for me, so I'm sleepy but looking forward to the pool - I'd pep talked myself you see - so I was ready to get my heart pumping and maybe shave a pound off my butt.
When I arrived at the rec center, the parking lot is empty...not a good sign. So I pop out of the car and run to the door - they're CLOSED for remodeling.
Don't they understand I GOT OUT OF BED EARLY TO BE HERE?
Don't they understand I'M WEARING A BATHING SUIT AND I WANT THE POOL???
DON'T THEY UNDERSTAND THAT I'M A FAT WOMAN AND RUNNING AROUND LIKE THIS COULD KILL ME???
Yes I was cranky but I went home and broke out the Hostess Twinkies - I felt much better after that. :)

4 comments:

Ann Bruce said...

OMG. That was hilarious. Where the heck did you find that pic?

Lee said...

[[I do own an exercise bicycle, but I can't find it under all of the laundry.]]

Aha! So that's what happened to mine! :D

Karen McCullough said...

Laughing so hard my stomach hurts...does that much laughing count as exercise, by the way?

Karen McCullough

Mechele Armstrong said...

LOL that was a trip. I would have been miffed, too.

Mechele aka Lany of Melany Logen